Thinking less of myself: the subtle danger behind paying it forward.

February 13th, 2016

"He must increase, but I must decrease"  

-John 3:30

I hear and see a lot through social media of "paying it forward".  I remember a time when buying the coffee of the person behind you or taking someone's grocery cart to the cart return or gifting someone you didn't know well a diaper subscription for their first baby because you heard they were struggling wasn't a glorification of self, but just things people did from time to time when able.  It's almost like we went from a self-less place to a look-at-me place (with feigned humility) over the last couple decades and it bothers me. 

Don't get me wrong, the IDEA behind pay-it-forward isn't innately flawed, it's just skewed. 

Let's look at it this way to get what I mean.  There are two ways I see this.  The first is a transactional type of giving.  I give you, so you give them, and they give them, and then they give me, and so on.  The reason for the giving becomes about passing the torch.  The giving torch.  It's shallow.  The second way is to change a heart.  I give in order to bless.  I give to fill the need.  I give to give hope, help, happiness, etc.  It's a giving with the desire that the "gift" will change the heart of the receiver and in changing the receiver's heart, perhaps they too, when they are able, will give, but the intent behind the gift was to bless not to encourage gifting.  And if they do give at some point, they will hopefully give to change a heart.

This latter giving is quiet.  You don't hear about it on Facebook, you don't see videos on YouTube and snaps on Instagram or tweets on Twitter with catchy hashtags.  But, those with us, like our children, see it.  People around at the time see it even if they don't see us.  And let me tell you, THAT is when it changes things.  There's not a face, there isn't a person to thank, a scene to film, a picture to capture and accolades to receive "unintentionally".  There is only a moment of heart-changing, hope-giving, quiet, thanks-not-required blessing.  Those are the moments that change people. That's the giving that counts. 

That is the kind of giving I hope my children get to see.  The kind that is obviously just for the sake of kindness with not only nothing expected in return, but nothing even allowed in return; and that can only happen when it is done without talking about it.  Quiet gifts are so much sweeter.  No pressure for the receiver to give back, to feel obligated to thank you.  Those things are fine, but sometimes...sometimes...people are proud, people are hurting, people can't give back, people are ashamed, people are cranky, people aren't nice, and sometimes, those people don't need anything more than an unmarked kindness, and sometimes that unmarked kindness changes them.  And it changes us; to think less of ourselves, and more of others.