10 important things needed to keep a strong relationship with your child as they head into the teen years

February 28th, 2016

It's 3 pm and I'm waiting outside my son's school to pick him up.  I always ask how his day was and if he had fun.  I inquire about who he played with and if anything about his day bothered him or wasn't that fun.  He always tells me, even if a bit hesitantly.  Sometimes I prod him, but it's the kind of prodding that you can tell the child wants you to do.  They want to tell you, but for whatever reason, are hesitant.  Today he reached into his backpack and silently stuffed a folded up note into my hands, his face showing just the slightest hint of embarrassment.  It's a note from a girl that he's friends with at school.  She tells him how much she likes him and that they are peas in a pod.  It's so sweet.  I tell him how nice that was and ask if he is nice to her and thanks her when she says kind things (this is especially important because he has Asperger's and doesn't always realize how important that stuff is to people).  I'm struck with how wonderful it is that he feels safe and comfortable enough with me to share these notes and moments.  He shares with me when a classmate tells him that someone has a crush on him, or if someone hurt his feelings or called him a mean name.  I'm still the one he'll sit on his bed and share those difficult moments of embarrassment with, like when some older boy told him that he played sports like "Tinkerbell", or when he said something that he shouldn't have and hurt a friend's feelings.  He listens while I give him ideas on how to apologize, or how to handle those kids picking at him.  I try to be a safe and non-judgmental listener.  Sometimes he'll tell me "I don't need advice" or "I know how to fix it", and I leave it at that and just listen.  I am so grateful for this.  I "lecture" enough about being safe, sexual predators, being careful on the internet, strangers, studying, chores, etc.  Sometimes the best thing I can do is be an ear.  He seems to respond to that the best.  He knows that above all, I love him, no matter what.  And I hope that as he heads into the teenage years, this rapport we've built stands strong, because those years are when I'm really going to need to have that kind of bond and relationship with my son.  Without it, those years are probably going to be pretty scary and uncertain for me, but also for him.  It's tough to try and "guess" what struggles your kids are going through, what they are hearing, seeing, doing.  I'd much rather he feel he can tell me, especially if it's something not so good. 

With that in mind, these are 10 things I have learned or been taught, sometimes by fire, when relating to and building a strong relationship with my kids/pre-teenager:

1: Teach subtly.

I don't mean in everything, some things really need to be taught very directly or with a hands-on style, but the VAST majority of things we teach our children are going to be, and are better if, they are taught subtly.  

It's right in line with that "do as I do, not as I say" thing.  It's a real deal folks.  

Those kids have ears and eyes everywhere (except for chores and dinner-time and bed-time and homework, but that's a different story entirely). Teach in a way that *feels* like love and grace.  Our parenting style should be so heavily weighed in the favor of love and grace that our harsh "discipline" and "nagging" feels like a rare thing.  It'll really hold SO much more weight then as well if it is reserved for the actual BIG deals.  Let your parenting relay so much more joy and grace and so much less "correcting" "disciplining" "instructing" "teaching".  Disciplinarian style parenting leads to kids that shy away from and avoid you and your "lecturing" and "disapproving".  And believe me, you may not think you are "lecturing" or "disapproving", but your kids do.  Loving and grace-filled parenting leads to kids that feel safe with you, even when they are wrong, even when they've really messed up.  It fosters honesty and integrity and transparency.  There are still consequences, but they know that you do not want to punish them.  This also shows them that they are being corrected out of love, not anger, because we want them to do better and because we believe that they can do better. 

Here's a suggested way to get this started: how much time do you spend with your child?  Take all the interactions you have with your child, and try and make 3/4 of it positive, infused with joy, love and grace. If you only get 30 minutes one day and you've got some things you need to hash out with your child, start with loving and positive interaction, then ask to sit and talk and spend 7 minutes or less talking about the needed changes or concerns, then end it with love and positive interaction and reassurances.  As parents, we can be firm and still be loving and kind.  It does NOT lose effectiveness this way.  If the conversation needs more than 7 minutes, then wait for a day that you'll get to spend more time with them.  It's also OK to leave the "heavy" with another parent who gets to spend more time with them. (just don't get to a place where it ends up being only one parent's job to discipline.)  If you've talked about what needs to be addressed and corrected, either parent should be able to deliver.  But remember, bookend it with love and grace.

2: Be a safe place.  

Try your absolute best to make home a safe place.  Make your home the kind of place where when those budding teenagers walk in the door, they sigh in relief and the stressors, demands and emotional turmoil of the world, peers, school, and social life can drop off their little tired growing shoulders.  They shouldn't have to fear anything in the home.  They shouldn't have anxiety about their daily interactions with their parents or family. And that leads us on to #3.

3: Your kids are not responsible for what type of relationship you have with them, you are.

 Now, before anyone gets up in arms about this statement, of course there are exceptions, but they aren't the majority, so just take it at that. I really believe that *most* relationships that parents have with their kids are 100% the parent's doing.  If you find your relationship with your child strained, I urge you to step back, drop those shields of defensiveness and look inward.  Take a good, long look at what you might be doing that is creating or fostering a caustic or strained environment and relationship between you and your child.  It might be something as simple as reacting instead of responding, (check out this link for more information on that) or forgetting that our kids need to be treated with the same respect we want to be treated with (would you talk to your spouse that way, and if you did, how would they feel about it?).  Are there communication failure cycles in the home that are being perpetuated in the parent-child communication?  

4: Drop the snarkasm.

 Keep sarcasm and "snark" to a minimum.  Really, unless we want smart-ass kids, this one is a real must.  I'm as fluent in sarcasm as anyone, but there is a time and place for it.  Tough conversations, struggles, teaching moments, miscommunication, and disciplinary moments are NOT it.  It really just teaches defensiveness and negative reacting.  Sarcasm should be light and fun and inclusive, not damaging, hurtful, mean or snarky and there is NO place for it in parent-child disagreements.  

5: Don't "dish it back".  

Don't "dish it back" to "show them what it feels like".  It won't.  It'll just teach them that getting even has a justification.  You want to teach your kids what is right?  Mirror it.  Jesus said to turn the other cheek, not slap em back.  

6: TALK to them.  

About anything, everything, nothing.  Talk to them frequently, sillily, seriously.  Ask them questions, feel out their knowledge of the world, their friends, their life, their feelings. Ask them how you make them feel.  Make them feel for sure that no matter how they answered you would never be angry or upset with them.  Do NOT guilt them.  If they are struggling with a family member, encourage them to talk to them about it and sit in right along to help them find their voice.  Show them that it is OK to speak up, to be honest, to share our feelings and that it is NEVER wrong to say how we are feeling and what we think as long as we've made sure our words are not said to hurt, but are said out of need or love. 

7: Lift them up.

The world will tell them they aren't good enough in so, so many ways.  We need to be sure to counter that as best we can.  They may have done something wrong, but THEY are not wrong.  Encourage SO much more than you show disapproval.  There will be times when they are just flat out difficult and aren't getting anything right, but try to encourage improvement more than showing disappointment at their failings.  We all fail.  We all need encouragement.

8: Be truthful.  

From the time my son could talk I stressed the importance of "true words".  That phrase has become a motto in our home.  It means we do our very best not to lie, not even little white lies and we do our very best to answer truthfully even when we know we will have to face consequences.  This builds respect, but it also fosters mindfulness; it encourages them to consider what they are about to do/say and own their behaviors as their own choices and not something they were "made to do" or "had to do".  We all know that if we catch someone lying to another, they can and probably will lie to us.  Model honesty and truthfulness.  If I cancel on attending an event because I'm just so tired and overwhelmed with whatever, I don't give an excuse that isn't true, even if it's "mild".  Rather than saying "something came up" when nothing did, or whatever else, I say "I'm sorry, I am just so tired and overwhelmed here that I need to stay home".  This does two things: first, it shows honesty, and second, it shows me OWNING the decision.  If my reason for not doing something isn't one that I would feel comfortable stating honestly, then perhaps I should re-evaluate why I'm making that decision.  Obviously there are exceptions, I mean, I'm not going to say "hey, I can't hang at the pool today because my period is so heavy that the pool would look like the set of Jaws."  but I could still say "it's that time of the month, I need to reschedule".  There are always ways to be respectfully and appropriately honest.  If you put it into practice, there really are very, VERY few times where you really can't be 100% honest and non-manipulative.   We already see the payoff in this with our 12 year old.  If I do say something that isn't 100% truthful (which I do, no one is perfect), he's the first person to gasp and set me straight.  I've been publicly embarrassed a couple times by this and I do NOT reprimand him for it.  I taught honesty and I'm going to own up to my dishonesty even when it hurts, because I expect the same from him. 

9: Admit when you are wrong and say your sorry.

Kids need to see us admit wrong.  If we can admit when we are wrong then they will know they can too, and that it is OK.  I've gone off the handle on my kids.  I sometimes lose my mom-mind and yell and behave like a 3 year old during a tantrum.  It happens. No one gets it right all the time, and if anyone says they do, they are liars, or aliens, or both.  I've had to knock my pride off it's high horse and sit down with my kids and apologize for my behavior.  It's an amazing thing though, because now, my 12 year old apologizes to me when he's been hurtful or disrespectful and I don't have to make him either.  I don't believe in forcing kids to say they are sorry.  I encourage it, sure, but I don't make them.  It doesn't mean anything that way and they know it.

10: One crime = one punishment.

For whatever infraction the child commits, give them one ramification that fits...and leave it at that.  For instance, if my child does something he aught not to have done and I decide that he loses his game time for the weekend, I should not then also take away his ice cream desert later, or the movies with his grandparents that weekend, etc.  One punishment, not continued punishment.  Punishment is to teach, not to hurt.  They should really feel that we do not want to punish them, but that we do so in order to teach them that their actions have consequences.  When I have to take away my son's game time, or tell him he can't go to an event he was looking forward to because of his behavior, I feel badly about it.  He knows it.  I hug him and love him and encourage him to try again and not make the same mistakes.  He doesn't doubt that I love him entirely despite the fact that I am punishing him.  That is critical.  

I asked my 12 year old for his input on this.  I asked him if he feels he can share anything with me, embarrassing things, or even bad things he thinks he's done.  He said that he does, so I asked him why.  He said "because I know that you won't laugh at me or tease me.  Also, I know you won't be mean to me for the bad things when I tell you."    

1: Teach subtly

2: Be a safe place

3:  I am responsible for the relationship I have with my children  

4:  Keep sarcasm out of disagreements

5:  Don't dish it back  

6:  Talk to them  

7:  Encourage them  

8: Be truthful

9:  Admit when you are wrong and apologize  

10:  One punishment, not continued punishment 

I view my children as the greatest commission I will ever be given.  The rewards are in the details, the moments, and the joy in seeing those little people flourish and contribute to this world.  My budding teenager has taught me, more than anyone else, how important these 10 things are.