My Journey to Joy

Proverbs 22:6 says 

"Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."

I always just took this for what I'd been led to believe: that it meant that when we raise our kids up to believe in God they will always believe in God. Recently though, I've had what I can only explain as a "God-caused eye-opening" with this verse. It does mean that, in part, but I think it's much bigger than that. It's a promise, but it's a warning too. In whatever ways we raise our kids, they will not depart from it. So, then I began thinking about all the things we teach our kids. Not necessarily all the things we verbally teach them, but the things our actions teach them. Interesting to know, 80% of our learning comes through what we observe. So, we can surmise that 80% of what our children learn is from our actions, leaving only 20% through our words. Our actions are so much more important than our words.

Alright, so what kinds of things am I teaching? There's lots of good stuff I'm teaching, sure, but that doesn't need to be fixed, so I'm not choosing to focus on that when I'm thinking of the ways I can do better. And we can always do better. So where am I falling short?

We, as humans can fall short in so many areas, and let's be honest, usually it's multiple areas all the time. It'd be crazy to try and tackle all our short-comings at once, we'd fail for sure. I DO believe we should tackle them though. So, I chose to write them out. This took some real soul-searching. I had to really delve into intention. What is truthfully at the bottom of whatever area I am struggling. It's usually not the obvious.  Addiction...it's actually issues like insecurity, fear of failure, self-loathing, regrets, etc. Abuse....it's often remaining a victim in our minds (or for some of us, staying in the abusive relationship) rather than calling out and claiming victory through God. Irritability at "people who do things wrong"...it may be a control issue. You see what I'm getting at. Our first consideration of what is to blame or is at fault usually isn't what is actually the root issue.
So I really worked at introspection, and I asked those who I trusted, and who would speak truth to me, what they saw as issues in my life and my behaviors, and I wrote them all down, even if I didn't agree with them and I read them and went over them and thought about them for a while and then I put them in order of what I thought was a priority. Which issue is causing the most damage to me and those around me.

For me, that was most clearly my lack of patience. Life stresses, relationships strains, all kinds of stuff pushed me to my limits and decrease my patience and coping reserves, and though this is valid, it isn't an excuse. Meaning, I don't get to use the validity of these difficulties as an excuse to continue to show my children or my family less patience. What it DOES mean is that I need to seek help to acquire new, better, coping strategies and increase my level of patience. Since I don't have those coping skills and higher level of patience already, I clearly don't know what those better coping skills are, haha! So, where do I start? Well, I start with God, right? But, does that mean I just read my bible more? No. Does it mean I vent to my Christian friends about it all? No. I don't believe it does. I believe it's a multi-faceted situation and requires a multi-faceted solution. This is what I have discovered in my own personal experience.

God is the first part of the solution.
The most critical part. Without God, even if we have all the other pieces, we'll still fail. So, first I had to get back into a living relationship with God. Back into bible study, back into church groups, back into learning the word of God through the knowledge of the bible AND the discernment of the Word through those Christians who were further in their relationship growth with the Lord and knowledge of the Word than I was. That had to happen. Just reading my bible to myself isn't enough.

Counseling was the second piece.
I've been on this journey for increased coping with my personal struggles (inter-marital issues related to addiction and behaviors associated with addiction) and how these issues have taxed my mental and physical reserves for 4 years. When these issues first came to light we dove into counseling to get help and we developed a whole new set of problems on top of the negative behaviors and damage that had resulted from the addiction. Addictions are tricky, and anyone who's loved someone with an addiction, or a mental disorder that causes relationship harm, knows how hard it is to get into help, firstly, and to continue with it into results, secondly. It's CRITICAL. It's WORTH IT. But, being critical and worth it DOESN'T make it LESS HARD. I developed PTSD from all the things that came to light once the addiction was uncovered. I developed adrenal gland disorder from my stress levels being so high that my adrenal gland could no longer keep up with the demanded production of adrenaline and cortisol my stress-level was requiring of it. I started having light-headed episodes, drops in blood-sugar, increased sweating that had a terrible scent, panic attacks, and more. The doctor put me on medication and recommended counseling. Counseling was absolutely necessary. In hind-sight, anyone who says to themselves "we can do this on our own", "I can do this on my own", is deluding themselves. No. You. Can. Not. And you shouldn't have to. Period.
If we ALREADY POSSESSED the mental will and strength and ability to fix our issues we wouldn't have our issues! We NEED outside help!
So, counseling was another necessary piece.

-I feel I need to add a little bit to this one. I think that seeking counseling and therapy, for whatever reason, seems to carry this "taboo" about it. Like we are "less than others" if we do. Truth is, we ALL could benefit from GOOD counsel. And when we have issues hat we don't have the tools in our personal tool-bag to fix, we are responsible for seeking help from someone who does, just like in any other aspect of life, be it education, jobs, parenting, whatever. We did, and are still in, couples' counseling, he has been in individual and group counseling continually, and I have had individual counseling for myself as well. And not like "a few times a month for six months" either. I mean, we have had years of this. It was, and has been, and is, ALL necessary.  I know that many of us use money, or time as an excuse not to get professional help, and believe me, I get it cause we broke, and 5 kids, and life, but I had someone put it to me like this: instead of saying "I can't, because...", say "It's not a priority", and see how that tastes. If we actually view something as a priority we'll find a way. We always do.

Better control and understanding of emotions.
(Counseling came into play with this one)
Now, lately I hear all over the place this new belief system that "emotions are never wrong" and "feelings are not bad" and on and on with this line of thinking. However, the bible tells us the exact opposite! Our negative feelings are nearly ALWAYS wrong. The percentage of the time that we have honest-to-goodness "righteous anger" is practically none! Our emotions are as flawed as our sinful nature. They are NOT to be seen as "justifiable", or as "our truth", or as "never wrong". Honestly, when we are angry, bitter, jealous, vengeful, spiteful, cruel, irritable, etc, WE. ARE. WRONG. Period. I had a TON of "justifiable" reasons to feel all of the negative and stress-filled emotions I felt, and still do feel sometimes, because of what we were going through, but I did NOT have the right to use those reasons to continue to BEHAVE in a way that was negative and harmful to those around me. I needed to GET HELP. That was MY responsibility. Real help. Not, white-knuckle-it, bible-study-in-my-kitchen-alone, kind of "help". I needed other Christians who have the tools I lack to be my flock and guide me towards the Lord and healing, appropriately and wisely.

Letting go of control.
This one was also huge. I was literally broken through all of this. I mean, WHO I WAS was deconstructed. WHAT I BELIEVED of the world and the people in my life, people in general, was deconstructed. I was undone. I felt that if I couldn't have control of my life then I couldn't be happy. I actually believed, subconsciously, that without control of my situation that I would not have joy. And this flawed way of thinking was compounded and made more difficult to change because the difficulty of my situation was actually not my fault. Through no direct fault of my own, my life was turned upside down and was nearly destroyed and I had no ability to cope with it or change it. I HAD NO CONTROL. My marriage depended on the willingness and choices of my spouse who was not in the habit of being willing or choosing well. I couldn't "make" anyone do anything, I couldn't "change" anything, it was an addiction and change in thought/behavior/choices that began before I was ever in the pictures and grew and grew in secret. I had no control. I tried desperately to find some control somewhere in all of this, and now I KNOW that made it all worse. I tried to monitor beyond what was necessary, I fixated on all the what-ifs and tried to head them off, I worried, and stressed, and fretted, and was devastated, and angry, and then furious, and then bitter, and then angry, and then hurt, and always devastated. I was finally brought down into such pain and hurt that I was forced into humility. And in that broken, humiliated place, I turned to God in earnest. It's tragic how often we human beings have to be broken and humiliated to actually turn to God, not just "go through the motions of turning to God". -It isn't about how much we pray, or how much we study the bible, or how much of God's word we know, or what we tithe, or how often we go to church. All of that can help, but actually turning to God requires submission.- I recognized that, no, I did NOT deserve this. I did NOT cause this. I did NOT contribute to this, but I WAS affected by it, and I was part of it now because I was his spouse. And I DID love him. I DO love him. And so as long as he was willing to get help and DID get help, and continued to get help, I was going to stand by him and with him. Not bitter and angry. I had no actual control, but what I DID have control over was setting healthy boundaries out clearly, putting my trust in God, and faith in my husband's willingness in seeking and getting professional help. That was the extend of my control. I could set boundaries, I could trust God, and I could have faith. The humbling realization that those were the only things I actually DID have control over lifted a massive weight off of my shoulders. I could clearly (with the counselors help) write out the lines that, if they were crossed, were the justified reasons for me to leave, and I could trust God and I could have Faith in my husband as he actively sought help and worked to rid himself of his addictions and the harmful behaviors/thoughts/actions that resulted from the addiction. This humbling humility in my perception of control allowed the first glimmers of real joy to enter back into my heart. Not happiness, that is situational, but JOY; Chosen, purposeful, always present, even in the darkest situations, God-given, JOY. I gave the control back to who always had it in the first place, God, and in doing so I allowed in those first glimpses of real joy and peace. The joy and peace He had always had there for me to find.

Daily accountability.
The last piece I needed was accountability. I wasn't to be "allowed" to snap impatiently, or "suck the joy out of everyone around me" just because I was in pain, or I had reached the limit of my current coping ability. I am responsible for my own actions regardless of why I am acting out. If my behavior began to feel like it was out of my control, then I was responsible for getting professional help to increase my coping ability and to help me find my peace in the Lord. I discovered that when I was having difficulty coping with situational stress, I ended up blaming the dumbest things for it. Undone laundry, messes, chaos, noise, dishes, someones tone, other people, benign behaviors, anything really, ended up being "blamed" for my loss of patience and my irritability. They were obviously not the cause, but in those sinful-emotion-driven moments where I was not held accountable and would not speak aloud, even if just to myself, the actual -at-the-root-of-it-all-  reason I was acting that way, I was out of control and wrong. I learned that I HAD to have accountability and when I did behave that way I HAD TO FIX IT. Every. Single. Time. I realized that if I had to fix a hurt I cause every time I caused it, I was a thousand times less likely to cause it in the first place. It was a checks-and-balance that was necessary. I needed someone who would say to me "you behaved badly" and I had to promise to not get defensive about it and instead say "I'm sorry" and then FIX it. I also discovered that if I did this, then all that other little stuff that I blamed and believed to be so "awful" and "big" and convinced myself and others was the "real" reason that I was so irritable and angry became what they always were to begin with: trivial little things that don't actually amount to anything that requires any strong negative emotional response at all. They were, and had always been, "small peas".

I'm still working on all this. My husband is still working on his stuff. There's not a "quick fix" for big, compounding, large-impact, long-in-the-making, mistakes and issues. The point is to keep growing. Keep seeking all of the above as often as is needed, and truthfully, I've found it's all always needed, and every failure, every stumble, get back up and grow again. AND OWN IT. Own my behavior. Own my reactions. Own my pre-disposition to blame-shift and take my hurt out on people and things that aren't the cause, and THEN recognize that we aren't even supposed to take our anger out on the person or situation that DID cause the pain! In satirical comic form, though, we so often seem to take our anger and bitterness out on everything and everyone BUT the cause, especially in the day-to-day.

Like I said, I'm still working on it, but I have found a greater peace, a deeper joy, and a stronger sense of truth then I ever had before being undone and humbly seeking good Godly help. Help that called me out and set me straight and told me to stop being a victim. And I am so grateful for it, because that's what real love is.

It's interesting to note too, that as I started working through my own top-priority, personal sin-issue, many of the sin-issues I ranked under it started to get chipped away at too. We are always going to be a work in progress, and thank goodness for the grace of God in it all, but I DO believe strongly that He is requiring of us to continue in our personal and spiritual growth towards His likeness. We can't attain it in this life, but the striving is what's important and the striving makes impact-full differences.
See, I fretted about what my failures were going to teach my kids. Which of my sinful behaviors was my child going to be trained up in and not depart from? But then I realized that they are being trained up in all of them BUT, if they WATCH me battle those sin-issues with God, and humility, and outside Godly help, and apologize, and make amends, then that means God promises me that when they struggle with those sin-issues they've been trained up in, they may ALSO seek help from God, and with humility, and get outside Godly help, and apologize,m and make amends, and grow. And that's the best I can give them as a broken sinful mother. I can say with 100% certainty that it is in the striving to be better that we are better, not in how perfect we are. So, I'm not good enough. I'm not. But I'm striving, and I think that's even better.